My Leap List

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

15 Minutes to Live

We are afraid of truth, afraid of fortune, afraid of death, and afraid of each other. Our age yields no great and perfect persons. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

     15 minutes to live and my thoughts turn to you.  My one regret.  A love so easy to fall into and so hard to fall back out.  Our lives are so entangled, I don't know where I begin or you end or if I even exist at all.  
     Projecting my best self on you, you shine as an angel, blinding me.  My fallen angel.  I try to climb to Heaven and keep sliding to Hell.  And still my thoughts turn to you.  Always to you...
     What will happen to you now?  Will you finally find the peace that eludes you in my final moments?  Who will make your excuses now? 
     I can see so clearly now - a life lived in fear.  There are so many things you can't say in polite company and it works in your favor.  Do we all hold secrets bolted behind iron doors?  My head knew from the beginning, but fear kept my heart from the truth.
    I fear you, even now.   Every emotion, every thought, every event is processed through you. I only exist in your eyes. A look of disdain sends me spiraling in despair. A simple question of interest sends me soaring with hope for new beginnings.   Which will mark our end? 
     Childish dreams of being a writer, a poet, a lover, a marine biologist...fallen by the wayside.  Losing myself to keep you.  Will death re-unite me?  A reincarnation? 
     I never feared death until I held the babies.  Then fear shadowed every step.  Live in the lines.  Avoid detection.  Talk softly.  No hubris here.  No great fortune.  May the Fates choose someone else today.  Without them is death.  What will my death do to them?  Will you be their soft spot to fall?  Have I given you enough, so you can be enough for them?
     Now, in my final moments, I breathe for the first time.  In these last breaths I ask for your absolution and offer my love.  My love for both of us.  May it be enough to restore a fallen angel.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Life in the Margins

     I love songs and quotes that remind me to live in the moment...live life out loud...color outside the lines...You would think they would work like personal mantras and transform me into a person like that.  Maybe the magic number of years is past 42, but it hasn't happened yet.
     I play it safe.  I color in the lines.  My clothes are color coordinated with sensible shoes.  I am the Bert in Bert and Ernie.  I eat one type of food on my plate until it is gone, and then I move to the next type of food.  In short, I live in the margins of real life.
     Patti Digh is a friend of my sister.  She lives an amazing life: traveling, writing books, meeting people from all over the world.  She even takes photos with pink hair and posts them on Facebook.  Today Patti wrote about a blog challenge for the next 30 days in honor of Ralph Waldo Emerson's 208th birthday.  The challenge is to blog, journal, or create something every day to honor intuition over the will of the majority.  It sounds totally like me, right? 
     Well, since I love Emerson and Patti, and it is nearly the start of my summer vacation, I decided to sign up.  The only problem - I needed to post the URL of the blog I would be posting to each day.
     It shouldn't be a problem.  I already have four other blogs, but each blog is for a very specific purpose.  I couldn't just post random thoughts in the other blogs for 30 days!  I would need to create a new blog just for the purpose of trying something new.  My life is ruled by irony. 
     I grabbed a piece of newspaper and began doodling possible blog titles in the margins.  My daughter realized what I was doing and laughingly suggested the title of this blog.  Luckily the URL was available.  By the way, I also found out that the URL and blog title don't have to be the same.  I'm not quite ready for that step though...
     So here is Life in the Margins with my baby toe crossing the line as I spend the next thirty days learning from people who live outside the lines!