My Leap List

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

15 Minutes to Live

We are afraid of truth, afraid of fortune, afraid of death, and afraid of each other. Our age yields no great and perfect persons. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

     15 minutes to live and my thoughts turn to you.  My one regret.  A love so easy to fall into and so hard to fall back out.  Our lives are so entangled, I don't know where I begin or you end or if I even exist at all.  
     Projecting my best self on you, you shine as an angel, blinding me.  My fallen angel.  I try to climb to Heaven and keep sliding to Hell.  And still my thoughts turn to you.  Always to you...
     What will happen to you now?  Will you finally find the peace that eludes you in my final moments?  Who will make your excuses now? 
     I can see so clearly now - a life lived in fear.  There are so many things you can't say in polite company and it works in your favor.  Do we all hold secrets bolted behind iron doors?  My head knew from the beginning, but fear kept my heart from the truth.
    I fear you, even now.   Every emotion, every thought, every event is processed through you. I only exist in your eyes. A look of disdain sends me spiraling in despair. A simple question of interest sends me soaring with hope for new beginnings.   Which will mark our end? 
     Childish dreams of being a writer, a poet, a lover, a marine biologist...fallen by the wayside.  Losing myself to keep you.  Will death re-unite me?  A reincarnation? 
     I never feared death until I held the babies.  Then fear shadowed every step.  Live in the lines.  Avoid detection.  Talk softly.  No hubris here.  No great fortune.  May the Fates choose someone else today.  Without them is death.  What will my death do to them?  Will you be their soft spot to fall?  Have I given you enough, so you can be enough for them?
     Now, in my final moments, I breathe for the first time.  In these last breaths I ask for your absolution and offer my love.  My love for both of us.  May it be enough to restore a fallen angel.

2 comments:

  1. This is absolutely beautiful Tiffany. I had NO idea you wrote at all. This breaks my heart because I can identify with so much of it. Wow...shouldn't have read this right before trying to go to sleep lol. I think it's going to keep me up x

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  2. Oh my sweet Tiffany. The pain shows in your face even peeks through your smiles. I hurt for you and I so love you.

    I fear the cycle of secrets. What to share? What not to share, and why not?

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