My Leap List

Friday, June 10, 2011

The Abyss

To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for you in your private heart is true for all men, that is genius. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

     Suicide and I are old friends.  At fifteen, I stood on a pier trying to get the courage to jump.  The waves were so beautiful that day.  It all seemed so easy to just let go and be part of something beautiful for a change.  I heard a voice ask, "How would you feel to kill yourself and see your soulmate still here waiting for you?  You must stay and help the kids that are lost.  You are never alone."  
     John has schizophrenia and severe depression.  Sometimes the voices tell him that we are better off without him here.  He struggles to battle the voices, but it's hard to battle what your heart believes in the night.
     Marissa was a part of my life for three years.  She often came before and after school to talk about her life, her friends, her problems, and her family.  She struggled with anorexia and bulimia.  I worried about her talk of suicide, but was unsure of what to do.  I approached the school counselors and they said she was just doing it for attention.  I argued that we should give her the attention, but they assured me they knew best in this situation.  When she went to the high school, I hoped for a fresh start.  She killed herself that fall.  
     Jameson was Marissa's brother and her death shadowed most of his life.  Jameson was easy to love.  He had a big smile and a huge heart.  Jameson often came to visit me before and after school to see how I was.  He always gave me a hug and a huge smile, even when things were hard for him.  Friday life got to much for him and he killed himself.  I didn't know until yesterday when I saw his smile looking at me from the obituaries.  
       My daughter has a friend she has never met in a country she has never seen.  Yesterday her friend posted a comment about how difficult life was for her as a gay teenager.  The girl's mother posted a response saying, "How do you know you are gay?  You have never had a guy ask you out because you are so fat."  When your mother feels this way and publicly tells everyone else, you have very little to hold on to when you are on the edge of the abyss.     
     Our lives are so hard, but we always seem to think everyone else has it so easy.  Even our online support groups judge us on how fast we heal, how positive or negative our posts are, and if our situation is better or worse than theirs.  When we can't even give support to one another virtually, we become numb to one another.  We lose our humanity.  
     Please try and see outside of your own abyss and help someone else today.  You never know when it will be what they use to hold on to for another day, rather than proof life isn't worth living anymore.  
     RIP Jameson and Marrissa.  I love you.

1 comment:

  1. I can remember the days of feeling that low that life didn't feel worth living. Thankfully I realized life is pretty good :) I hope you feel the same way. This is my first time to your blog and your posts seem so sad to me. I hope you are ok.