John suffers from severe depression. Winter triggers the worst of it. Christmas is a time of joy for so many people, but not for him. For him, it brings the depression for things long gone, for childhood lost, time slipping through his fingers no matter how tight his fists clench.
I am blessed to live a life of happiness. I love simple things - the laughter of my children as they play games, music, glittering snow on a frolicking bunny.
It wasn't always this way. I have spent more years than I care to remember curled up in despair, longing for someone to save me. I have sobbed through nights where I would gladly have welcomed death. My walls were so high that no one could ever hope to get to me. I remember every one of those moments and fight to stay away from the edge of the abyss.
Tonight was a hard family moment decorating the Christmas tree. Mandy leaned over and said, "It's okay, mom. You can't get your joy from someone else." She is right. I wait for the joy until we can all feel it together. Luckily I have this wise angel in my life to remind me of the these simple truths.
This year if I have to travel to Hell to save the person I love, I will bring a great joy to everyone I meet along the way. They won't know what to make of me.