My Leap List

Monday, June 25, 2012

Broken Shards

     Trusting people scares me.  I am really bad at it. I either trust people too quickly or hold them at arm's length for years.  I don't know where my boundaries are when it comes to trust.  Ironically, I am a good judge of character.  It's probably a self-preservation gift since I have survived this long.
     When I realized the person I love was in love with someone else, I actually felt my heart break.  When he couldn't deny it, the broken pieces felt like a heart attack.  Time has numbed the broken places, but sometimes shards stab me unexpectedly.
     I get random online messages from guys all the time, but I never answer.  It's all I can do to handle the life I have right now.  For some strange reason, this time I decided to trust someone.  He snuck under my defenses by saying he would "like to be my friend, if I didn't mind."  His uncertainty was endearing, and made me like him from the start.  He says the perfect things to me.  I'm sure they are the same lines I have been immune to from other guys. I guess my heart just wants the fairy tale love affair I never had. He makes me feel things my numb heart stopped feeling.  I know I shouldn't trust him.  This is just one of the shards of broken heart that I didn't realize is still unhealed.  
      The sad thing is once I trust someone, I never stop, even when they break my heart.  I still love the boy who broke my heart.  What I really want is for him to love me like that.  I want my heart to be healed.  

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