My Leap List

Monday, December 31, 2012

Living in the Now for 2013

    Last New Year's Eve I resolved to make 2012 the year of letting go.  Boy, did I have a lot to let go of.  I learned life is messy.  Nick was diagnosed with severe anxiety.  I knew he was struggling, but I never dreamed he was suicidal.  I'm still hopeful the ghosts are manifestations of the anxiety and depression and not early signs of Schizophrenia.  Mandy was diagnosed with bipolar, on top of the Fibromyalgia.  She dealt with a broken heart and learning to accept herself for who she is in a world that values everything she is not by cutting deep wounds in her legs.  This week she decided to graduate in May, even though it will take immense effort to earn the credits she has missed.  I let go of the job I love to try a new adventure.  Even marriage seemed too messy for awhile.   
     I also learned about love.  I let go of the ideal family I imagined and embraced them for who they are - perfect in their imperfections.  I felt the depth of love from my students and cried at my ability to break their hearts.  I was humbled at seeing myself through the eyes of the people who love me.  They showed me a version of myself I cannot not see yet on my own.   
     Outside my window, fireworks are blasting away with partiers zealous for a new start once the magic numbers turn over.  2013 will need a little magic.  It's already set to be a rough start with challenging economic and political times out there and personal challenges in here.  But, like every year, there is always magic waiting to make life worth while.
    This year I will live every day instead of waiting for the magic moment to start.  It may bring big moments like sky diving or hang gliding.  It may bring small moments when I am truly present and not just pretending to be listening.  Whatever moments come, I will be present in the now. 
     Happy New Year, everyone.  May 2013 bring all the lessons we need to learn, and may we be blessed with the ability to love each other as we travel around the universe together.   

Friday, December 14, 2012

The Darkest Nights of the Year

     There is a heartbreak that you only feel as a parent.  Your life is tenuous, at best.  When Mandy was small, I would turn instantly into a mother bear if anyone threatened her, but I can't fight the threats that torment her from the inside. 
     Her bare legs are scarred raw with cuts on every inch of skin.  Some of the gashes are so deep they look like third degree burns.  Where was I?  Here.  Why didn't I know?  I have been so caught up in saving the world that I forgot to save her first.  Truth?  I am scared.  I am guilt-ridden.  I am what I tried so hard not to be.   I am still new at parenting a girl who suffers whiplash from her bipolar episodes.  I am so heartbroken for this girl.
     So many of my friends are struggling with their families and my heart goes out to them.  I follow them on Facebook and admire their strength and devotion and unending positive outlook on life in the face of such heartbreak.  I struggle to be them.  Some days I pretend really well.  Then I see the newest scars that should have had stitches days ago, if only I knew, and cry. 
     Today twenty children died at the hands of a man who killed his mother and then the children she loved.  My heart breaks for all of us...the children who will never grow up...the children who will, but will always be scarred...the parents who physically lost their children today...and the parents who spiritually and mentally lost theirs...the teachers who tried to save them...the families...the mentally ill...the ones who sacrifice everything every day...the scared ones...the ones who lost their faith in humanity...the ones trying to save us from ourselves...
     It is Christmas time in my small part of the world.  In this time of pain, I hope we come together and help each other through the darkest nights of the year.  In a few days, the world will begin to slowly grow light again.  May we all find peace and love in the light.