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Sunday, February 16, 2014

The Dark Side of Love

     "I give up.  I don't want to do this anymore."  I held him while he cried because there wasn't anything else to do.  He faces the darkness and demons alone.  If the enemy was outside of him, I would battle to the death, but I can't fight the demons in his mind.  I am helpless.  It is never enough.  I am not enough.  No amount of love or reassurances or counseling or medicine or comfort or prayers or wishes or bargains I make with the universe are ever enough.  In my darkest moments I wonder if it would be better for him to finally end his suffering.  Then the moment breaks and I shudder with the fear that he will.
     It was the end of Valentine's Day.  My favorite day of the year.  A day of love in all it's variations.  He had been having two days of feeling better, witnessed by the flowers sitting on my table.  I had let a little glimmer of hope in and was crushed with the weight of reality for how quickly things had turned.  I was sad for me, for him, for my kids; sad for the life that should have been, and missing the boy I fell in love.  Heavy thoughts...lost and lonely and failing the person I love most in the world.
     Then I realized it didn't matter if it was Valentine's Day.  It didn't matter if we had a peaceful time enjoying love tonight or if my romantic dreams came true.  Sometimes love is holding someone when there is nothing else you can do.  It is reassuring someone things will get better when you have no reason to believe it will.  It is finding the strength to take care of someone else when you really want to run away and start another life.  Love is hard.  Love is gritty and dirty.  Sometimes it is loving someone through their darkness with no expectations of getting anything in return.  In it's own way, it is as beautiful as the romantic love we celebrate on Valentine's Day.  Love is ALL.  Happy Valentine's Day.  I wish you love in whatever form it takes in your life.  

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