Writing has always been my solace. Processing life lessons instead of rushing headlong into the next big adventure. Sometimes I avoid it so I don't have to feel. Sometimes I avoid it as a punishment for the things I do wrong. This week reminded me that hubris is still my fatal flaw. Trying to be perfect so no one needs to question the real me. Kind of a Dorian Gray thing. When Luke's mom told me I wasn't enough, it hurt me really bad. Not just because she saw me for who I believe I am, but because I love Luke so much.
Reliving this experience over and over this week shows I need to embrace the process, not just the final results. This is really hard for my perfectionist side, but it's a lesson I have been sorely needing. So, I am sharing the process even though it is still painfully raw. This is an imperfect version of me. I am willing to do things for others that I would never do for myself. I need to work on valuing myself. Loving people so much is a strength, but it is a weakness when I let my value rise and fall with others' opinions. Conflict is hard, but it is devastating for the other person when you make a final decision before they know things aren't okay. I need to deal with conflict openly and with firm love so I don't cause more damage for someone else later. Some teachers don't stay in our lives once the lesson is taught, but that doesn't make your love less real.
I have been trying to wear all kinds of different shoes the past few weeks to find some that will stop hurting my poor feet. My feet are covered with blisters - the bottoms, the tops, the heels. No matter what I do or how many bandaids I wear, nothing has helped. A sign I can "run" all I want through life trying to be everything to everyone, but in the end, it hurts the people I love and it hurts me. I get so busy saying yes to everything that I forget it means I am saying no to the most important things in my life. I am literally hobbling through life, so I better learn this lesson before I can't walk at all. Irony loves my life, but I never expected my Snoopy bandaids to join in.