My Leap List

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Bandaids Don't Fix Symbolic Blisters

     Writing has always been my solace.  Processing life lessons instead of rushing headlong into the next big adventure.  Sometimes I avoid it so I don't have to feel.  Sometimes I avoid it as a punishment for the things I do wrong.  This week reminded me that hubris is still my fatal flaw. Trying to be perfect so no one needs to question the real me.  Kind of a Dorian Gray thing.  When Luke's mom told me I wasn't enough, it hurt me really bad.  Not just because she saw me for who I believe I am, but because I love Luke so much. 
     Reliving this experience over and over this week shows I need to embrace the process, not just the final results.  This is really hard for my perfectionist side, but it's a lesson I have been sorely needing.  So, I am sharing the process even though it is still painfully raw.  This is an imperfect version of me.  I am willing to do things for others that I would never do for myself.  I need to work on valuing myself.  Loving people so much is a strength, but it is a weakness when I let my value rise and fall with others' opinions.  Conflict is hard, but it is devastating for the other person when you make a final decision before they know things aren't okay.  I need to deal with conflict openly and with firm love so I don't cause more damage for someone else later.  Some teachers don't stay in our lives once the lesson is taught, but that doesn't make your love less real. 
      I have been trying to wear all kinds of different shoes the past few weeks to find some that will stop hurting my poor feet.  My feet are covered with blisters - the bottoms, the tops, the heels.  No matter what I do or how many bandaids I wear, nothing has helped.  A sign I can "run" all I want through life trying to be everything to everyone, but in the end, it hurts the people I love and it hurts me.  I get so busy saying yes to everything that I forget it means I am saying no to the most important things in my life.  I am literally hobbling through life, so I better learn this lesson before I can't walk at all.  Irony loves my life, but I never expected my Snoopy bandaids to join in.       

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