My Leap List

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Growing Pains and Mary Poppins

      It's hard to have growing pains.  I hated them as a child, and I hate them now.  Even when I know the pain leads to better things.  The past few weeks have been some of the hardest I have been through.  I let two events in two days get in my head.  I felt like a failure.  I got stuck in my head and let the voices convince me I wasn't good enough or strong enough or smart enough or any enough.  I started my comprehensive exam and found myself at a place I have never been before.  I was frozen.  I couldn't do anything.  It seemed better to fail because I didn't try than try my hardest and fail anyway because failure seemed inevitable.  I tried everything that worked before, but nothing helped.  Mandy told me about her experience with the same thing and the regrets she still had because of it.  It was actually a blessing to truly understand what kids go through when they feel this way because this was a part of life I never understood as a teacher.  It will make me a more compassionate person.  
     I finished it, and I failed.  They gave me one last chance.  2 weeks.  Rewrite and revise.  Get a 215 or be done.  Give up a lifetime dream.  I was scared.  I was stressed.  No sleep and so many responsibilities at work and home.  I decided it wasn't meant to be.  I told my family and my friends it was time to give up.  John came back enough to beg me not to give it up.  I wasn't sure if I could even finish it at that point.  Luckily I work for two amazing ladies that gave me time off so I could finish it.  I got my score last night and got a 215 from one evaluator and a 218 from the other.  Mandy said I must have angels looking out for me to get the exact score I needed to pass.  She also said she didn't know my teeth had skin since I passed by the skin of my teeth.  It made me laugh.  I meet my dissertation chair later this morning.  I was hoping for a day or two to just rest and breathe, but life has other plans.
     Next week I am leaving two schools I love.  I'm old enough to know that some friendships stay with you for life, but most slowly fade with distance and time. It makes me sad to start again when I just felt like I found home, but I am trusting in a bigger power than my own.  I am trusting these growing pains will lead to new adventures with new friends, new challenges, and new rewards that I can't yet imagine.  I am also trusting that everything will work out exactly the way it is supposed to be because it always does.  The darkest hours bring the brightest dawn.  John told me I am Mary Poppins.  When the wind turns I fly off to help the next children who need me the most.  For some reason, that image makes the growing pains seem worth it all.   

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